Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I don't feel like it.....
You would probably think my kids would be whining this but its me. I'm in a funk. I don't feel like my authentic self. Homeschooling is something I haven't even started and I'm not even looking forward to it. I don't feel like teaching. I feel like I should be taught! Of course I can teach ABC's but I mean the Quranic arabic/islamic part. Not growing up a muslim and having no muslim relatives and then not being taught at the mosque it just makes me feel hostile and incompetent to teach my own kids. Plus I never chose to homeschool in the first place. The situation made it happen. A situation I don't want to be in. I made the most of it last year but I don't feel like it this year! Whiny, whiny, whiny! I know but I am fed up of being stuck here and stuck in my life. I want to move on. Never wanted to be a housewife either. Feel like I was stripped of my choices. First I couldn't get a job because of my hijab which led to being a housewife which led to low income which led to living here which led to me being forced to homeschool. I know life is a test but when oh when do I get to be me? So I blog because writing is who I am. Are you living your authentic life?
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Sometimes we prevent ourselves from living out our potential because we're so busy living in the past. We're angry and upset over the hand that life has dealt us. We tend to sit and mourn day after day--almost grieve--over what could have been. We hate this and we hate that, however, the only person who can change that is YOU! You can make the most of your life and it can be a fulfilling life...once you get passed and accept those things that are no longer a part of your life. That old life is gone. All those what if's...all those plans and dreams are now a memory. What you have before you is something new and something different. It may not necessarily be the life you wanted or expected, but it is yours. It is different yes, it is more difficult and it does bring with it a sense of resentment and anger over your loss(of that other life) but it is not a bad thing. It is how you approach it. You've made the decision that you're not happy with this life. You are making the decision that you don't want to do this or that. Like a child, you are upset and folding your arms. This thinking will keep you in the same spot and not benefit you at all. Guess what? If you keep this way of thinking, you'll still be in the same spot in a year from now. Still whining, still angry, still grieving over those things--you thought were better for you--instead of embracing this new chance Allah has given you. We have to remember that we can be our own worst enemy. Our minds hinder us to be the best possible person we can be. Please try to approach all these new, different, changes with a different attitude and I bet you then you will see that you can still have that good life. Money is not there anymore. It is hard and difficult to make ends meet now, but just remember that you are not alone and this is not the end. Money cannot make you be the best Mom/teacher you can be right? You can't buy that. You do not need money to wake up and say to yourself "today will be a good day and I will embrace it with a smile on my face" can't buy that. That way of thinking will empower you. While you will still face the difficulties of living on a low income, you will instead gain things that you could never have gotten otherwise. I know it is easier said than done. I KNOW, BELIEVE ME! But what I hope you to do is to take a step back and remember that each day and each situation can be a good things if only we allow ourselves to view it as that. The past is the past. Some things are stopping you from doing what you wanted--but that is not the end. You can still be and have what you want when you stop whining about what is lost and start embracing what you have. Our minds can really keep us back--they can hurt us instead of helping us.
ReplyDeleteThink of the homeschooling like I see it. Wow, here is this lady who had no clue about Arabic and she is about to homeschool her kids and teach them? MashaAllah...I wish I had the will in me to do the same. You see, I look at you and admire you. You may not have willingly chose this for yourself and your kids, but you have no choice so you will do it. I have the choice now and will not do it..laziness, fear, and ignorance(in the definition sense) takes over my mind and I hold myself back from this. In my eyes, even though you didn't choose, you're so strong that you will get through this because you have no choice to BUT get through this. Does that make sense? I mean, here I am looking at you and I see good and positive things...and there you are looking at yourself and seeing negative and bad things. It is all how you approach it and how you allow yourself to think.
You must remember this:
ReplyDeleteWherever you go in life, there you are, SO BREATH!
May Allah shower you with His mercy and blessings. May He instill in your heart peace and acceptance for His will and decree for your life and may He help you and guide you--give you the strength, ability, knowledge and want to teach those kids the best way. May He reveal to you the fruits of your labor so that you may see how wonderful and merciful He is and how wonderful and beautiful and intelligent YOU ARE! AMEEN AMEEN AMEEN!!!
Ameen. Thanks for your kind words. (My arms are still crossed though!)I tried to have a good attitude last year but I'm burnt out. I thought this situation was temporary but its lasting so long. With every difficulty comes ease right? I need a support network; I have no one here. I am the only muslim homeschooler for 100's of miles around.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your post I thought it was mine. Was this a joke!?
ReplyDeleteI look up to you too. I'm proud of how much you do do, and I envy (in a good way) all your family ties because You have older children... I know a blog is only one slice of one's life though. We don't get the full 24/7 version of Old Muslim Woman in the Shoe.
I was thinking the same thing this morning even before sending you an email. I did not acclimate very well-going from non-muslim to housebound wife and home schooling mom. It's depressed me, limited my exercise, and limited my exposure to the sun, sky, fresh air, and the wonderful general public. I am not social in social settings but I do like being social out and about. My health and mental state haven't transitioned very well. I wasn't conditioned for this. I want to make it work, but how? There are many obstacles-distance, an available car, and yes money, because although there are many free things to do, it takes money to take a family to the zoo, or go to the beach (at minimum gas). Depression, is an obstacle. Lack of friends, lack of friends with time...100 degree weather is an obstacle. Bad parenting is an obstacle. Over time these build up and really effect you.
Inshallah we'll find a way to breathe and carry on. Change what we can, accept what we can't.
(even so--oh how I wish they were in school so I could rest and heal, and also take care of the house without fuss, sigh!)
New blog title:
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Muslim Woman with a Bounty of Blessings.
You sound drained. :-((((
ReplyDeleteIts funny I always look at life from two angles (maybe this is normal for converts), from my old self which says yes things happen for a reason but get off your butt and change it and then my new muslim self that says this is qadar. HOwever when we die the angels will say in what position were you and we will say oppressed and they will say wasn't the earth big enough for you to move? Yes I want to get off my butt and move somewhere but the question is how? I'm not single, I have to think about dh's job mainly so I always feel trapped. I keep trying different ways to solve this whole non-islamic setting we are in but can find no way change it hard as I try! I'm frustrated. I just want to learn Quran with my kids while they go to islamic school or at least public school with lots of muslims. And I need an outlet like volunteering at an islamic library, something like that even if its not a job. I just feel that I've lost myself somehow and I know its the will of Allah but I still have anger issues with non-muslims for not hiring me and muslims for not teaching me. Its hard for me to let go of this and move on when I can't physically move on anywhere. Ya Allah.
ReplyDeletesalam alaikoum, My name is Meryem , I'm from morocco. I found your blog by pure coincidence. You will excuse my bad english because i'm arabic and french speaking :)
ReplyDeleteI want to say that it was really a good surprise for me to find your blog. I was never thinking how life of converted person, living in non muslim country can be difficult. for us , muslim womans in muslim countries life is not so bas : Hijab is not preventing us from working , travelling, and even swimming ..
I was also surprised to see how much you know about islam and coran : "With every difficulty comes ease " , "the angels will say in what position were you and we will say oppressed and they will say wasn't the earth big enough for you to move? " ..
Your translation of these verseof the coran keeps all the meaning ..
Please keep strong and profit from life. Allah said it twice "With every difficulty comes ease " :)
WA Alaikum salaam Meryem,
ReplyDeleteKif halik? Comment ca va? Your english is great! Masha Allah.
As for hijab there are many women getting work now but I converted in 1991 and at that time people were not very open-minded especially in a small city. I do travel and swim in my hijab, well I actually have a muslim bathing suit which is advertised on my blog on the left side :) As for the Quran I didn't translate it but I read it in english so I just remember it from reading it all the time. I am glad that you like my blog, be sure to become a follower insha Allah.
Salaams:
ReplyDeleteI can sense your frustration.
I can't suggest a whole lot of things that might help except the following:
- Voluteer work or part-time work in a school or library or community centre (it does not necessarily have to be Islamic)
- Start a home-based business (any kind). YOu are really crafty and can cook well.
- Write a book. You said you like to write. Maybe a novel for teens (any kind, but Muslim teens need good books)or short stories or a picture book.
- Take an online Islamic course or Arabic language course online.
I hope these give you some ideas, inshaAllah.
And make dua', LOTS of dua and ask Allah to guide you to a solution that's right for you. You never know when and how such a dua will answered.
Fi Amanilah
Hmm...I've tried these. I applied for part-time work at the only library that exists here and didn't even get an interview. Home based business..did that and I'm not good at it and gave up. (I actually hate cooking and rarely do it and crafty..not really, that would be my daughter). Write a book...I wrote one and my daughter illustrated it and it was rejected. I took a quran course and was really disappointed (blog post:sunnipath not a sunny path). I have tried all these things and they haven't worked..hence the frustration. And dua yes I keep making dua and won't give up on that. I wonder sometimes what on earth Allah wants for me.
ReplyDeleteAssalaamu Alaykum - inshaAllah check out the fiks website http://thefiks.org - mashaAllah tabarakAllah, they have a lot of free videos to watch -learning quran, basic islamic knowledge, videos for children for learning arabic alphabet and many others, Alhamdulillah. Wasalaam
ReplyDeleteAssalamu Alaikum,
ReplyDelete"It may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not. (Quran 2:216)"
I have a feeling that one day inshaAllah you will be so happy for the life you were dealt when you see the fruits of your labour and the rewards for your efforts. How Allah will reward you for the hardships you faced in life because of being Muslim, because of wearing a hijab and being modest. How Allah will reward you for bearing and raising 10 Muslim children. You're very rich to mashaAllah to have 10 children who will make dua for you and who love you. How Allah will reward you for homeschooling, and I have to say that I'm so glad and happy you homeschooled me when I was a kid and I learned so much, and it has shaped who I have become in such a positive way. Even though you weren't able to teach me quranic arabic, I have learnt so many other valuable lessons about life, islam, good character and so many other things. And I was able to study quranic arabic later on, and I pray everyone's time will come too inshaAllah. When you say you don't know what Allah wants for you, I think I know, and it's that Allah wants for you to gain the most reward you can from this life so you can have your dream life in the hereafter where our real home is. I don't think this world is anyone's authentic life.. either people are struggling hard for the hereafter or they're living in a false paradise. Alhumdulillah you are able to use your blog as an outlet :). Some people around the world don't even know what a blog is or have never even had the opportunity to write or explore who they really are. I think shaytaan tries to trick us and make us think about what we don't have, and we forget what we do have and how Allah has blessed us with so much compared to others. I don't think you were forced into this life, it's one you chose for yourself because you choose jannah .... You could have easily chose not to wear hijab, but that's the price for jannah... You could have easily chosen not to have kids and used abortion or birth control, etc, but you didn't interfere with the plan of Allah and that's the price for jannah... and I could go on and on.. jannah isn't cheap, you chose jannah, and you chose the pleasure of Allah over the pleasure of yourself :) You are definitely my hero, and what a good example you are setting for everyone who is blessed to meet you :)
Wa Alaikum salaam
ReplyDeleteSure go and make me cry....Jazakullah for your kind words my sweet daughter. You're right I chose the straight path and this world is a prison for the believers and we can't just say we believe without being tested.
Wa Alaikum salaam umm abdurrahman
ReplyDeleteThanks for the link.